You care, you really do
When I am done sobbing for hours
And you are done with your day
I eagerly wait for you
You come half awake
I wish to pour my heart out
You release a slight sigh
I tell you what all I could
You love me you say
I tell you that’s not the point
You tell me that’s how you pay
I tell me to be patient
While you decide to hit the hay
Reflect on self, once in a while..
How far have you come…
What have you gained on way..
Who have you lost…
Was it all worth..
Is this what you wanted..
If not, why not…
How far you have to walk..
Are your feet tired..
Does your soul still has the spark like when you started…
Are you the same person any more..
Just once in a while, lost in the jungle of thoughts try to find a hut for self…
PS: This picture is a reflection on granite bench in the park.
Challenges are blessing in disguise. Among many, building discipline and boosting confidence are major takeaways. Contrary to challenges thrown by others (How dare he tell me I need to lose weight 😉 or the biggest challenger called Life 😛 self-challenges are most certainly positive motivating factor. You get to set your own goals, mid-goals and decide the pace to achieve it. Moreover, such challenges are a promise to self that you will improve. These challenges become personal test of integrity. By challenging self, you are already aware of your potential and this is the first step to improvement. By making them time bound you can continuously assess your performance. These challenges help you praise and criticize yourself in front of the mirror (Yayy!! You did great today.. those weights looked so heavy to lift till last week). And the perk is no side effects (at least not known). Also, as per research it takes anything from 21-66 days approximately to form a habit.
So I planned to have many 30-day self-challenges this year. The motives behind are:
- To stay focused on major life goals
- To bring discipline in life
- To learn new skills and improve the existing ones
- To stay away from not-so-important life drama
- To not waste any more time on not-at-all-important people and things
- To be self-absorbed (part of self-care)
- To enjoy the journey 2019 will bring 🙂
For above reasons I have challenged myself with “30 days of writing”. If this works then I have few more challenges planned. This way I will keep myself motivated throughout the year and get back on track with my life. A set to enjoy them. 🙂
In 2018,after a hiatus of almost 2 years I tried to make a comeback to reading. Reading transports me to a world filled with people and their problems which are better or worse than mine. I try to see through the eyes of characters and think from their minds. Reading broadens my perspective. I use goodreads to set my reading goal in the beginning of every year and try to achieve it.
For 2018, I set a goal of 24 books which I couldn’t keep up with as I was dawdling through each page for several days. I did not even finish 6 books by September. It was time to modify my original goal as I realized the coming months are going to be super busy and maintaining a reading schedule will be impossible. I brought down my reading goal to 12 books and read unfailingly, completing 10 books by December, even with a super active schedule. Though I couldn’t reach my goal I worked very hard in last 2 months to reach closer to it as much as possible (finished one book in a day sitting in hospital). I was happily doing this as that’s the level of commitment I wanted to show myself. I read some of the most amazing authors like Paulo Coelho , Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning (I will cover this book’s review in another post)
Now, for 2019 I have kept a more realistic goal of 15 books which I am secretly willing to surpass 😉 . I have not yet exactly decided which Authors I will focus but as of now my interest lies in reading more Indian authors of English and regional languages and one of the genre will be Self Help/Psychology.
What are you reading this year?
This year was tough but not as tough as last two years. I had to come to terms with a lot of things. Below are my major learning :
- Life is going to be progressively challenging, accept it gracefully.
- One decision can change your life and shift your crust.
- 30’s is tougher than you thought, be grateful for the earlier years.
- People are going to be mean even if you are their well-wishers.
- People will hate you for doing the right thing, don’t expect standards.
- Everyone has agenda, be careful.
- Healing takes longer than you think and its OK.
- Your plans are bound to fail but keep making them.
- Sometimes just being able to breathe is a sign of warrior.
- Books provide a lot of answers that your inner self is searching.
- Legal system sucks, you can’t do much about it.
- Even the closest people will not be able to understand exactly how you feel, guide them.
- Even the best of people have a little bad in them don’t get disappointed, tackle them.
- Loneliness is real and addictive. Meditate more often.
- Depression is difficult to decode, just go with the flow.
- Its OK to cry for hours.
- Negativity will creep into you even if you are full of positive energy.
- Mental health affects physical well being severely, take care of your mental health.
- Smiling is difficult but you have to.
- Therapy will work only if you believe in it.
2018 was all about coming to terms with life!
Today out of nowhere I decided ‘It’s enough’.
I am sitting on this semi-comfortable maroon chair, thinking shall I get up to make some tea for me. Well, I have been thinking of this since past 2 hours… arghhh!! This is me today and most of the days when it comes to writing my blog. Procrastinator becomes my second name.
I am not a procrastinator in my daily life. I keep hustling not just to make a living but to also live this beautiful-but-ugly-at-times life. I have multiple to-do lists based on duration like a weekend to-do list to an yearly to-do list. And not just that I make lists, my lists keeps on moving and updating. It gives me immense pleasure when I cross a certain task on my list *smiling at the moment*
In all this hustling, writing has taken a back seat. I have not been giving myself enough time to write my journal. This only proves that writing a blog is not even in the scene.
This is one part. The second part is –
I am unsure of what to write here so that my readers like it. I did not think this through when I joined the blogging world. But now that I have, I am constantly under the pressure of what you people will like to read rather than what I would love to write.
Hence my brain suddenly shouted ‘Ok enough’ and this maroon chair rocked as if agreeing to it.
This made me open my blog and write 🙂
From now I am adding blogging to my to-do list and going to write what I wish to share with you all 🙂
Hope it makes you as happy as me.
Has this happened to you?
You focused on whatever good is left in life when going through tough times. You focused all the energy on loose, discolored but unburnt threads. You regularly showed gratitude to the Universe and God for all that is not bad and lost and believed that these times are testing. You, like me took one good strand of life and started re-knitting your sweater from that end.
Unsure of what else to hold on to, this strand of thread became the center of life. With time you got hooked to the needle and hung your happiness by the end of the knotted thread as everything else was simply falling apart. Your obsession to make this sweater a piece of art reached extreme. It not only became a part of your routine but gradually became you.
For things to start making holistic sense, inclusion of revived strands became imperative. Moreover deep down you knew that one day addition of other strands will help in making the sweater strong. Like everything else this alone was not supposed to last forever.
That’s what I am currently facing. It not only has become my personality but also spoils mental peace and relationships. Any kind of obsession is unhealthy. Changes! even when good are difficult, specially when one has just attained some stability. I am well aware that I have to let go for my own good but its a daily fight with self.
Only by accepting the change, life will shower new opportunities. Only by surrendering I will get an absolute life. Only by manoeuvring other strands I will be able to complete my one of a kind sweater.
Only by accepting, I will be able to let go!
PC: Beginning Knitting